Well, well, well. Looks like the LLR Public Enemy List just got a little longer... and a whole lot more arrogant. Jennifer Lopez, take your #2 place next to Dan Uggla. We don't like your kind around here.
And what did Miss Lopez do to earn herself a spot on the shitlist of some sports bloggers? No, it wasn't her terrible acting or even more vile singing (though we could do without those here.) It wasn't even how pissed off I am that Maid in Manhattan is being made into a tv series. What we here at the LLR do not tolerate is a blatant disregard for our fine men and women who have busted their ass to earn our respect. There's no protools in sports, sweetheart.
On Lopez' GMA performance this morning, she was overheard as saying she “couldn’t understand why everyone is talking about that swimmer.” According to a GMA source, “She couldn’t come up with Phelps’ name, and then she yammered on about how she was the one training for a triathlon just six months after giving birth, and how that was the big story right now, not ‘the swimmer.’ ” Ok. Are you out of your damn mind? I know fame and fortune gets to people's heads, but the level of this atrocity is just unfathomable. We Americans have been blessed with the greatest athlete OF ALL TIME and you think you're a bigger story? You haven't had a hit in years and Michael Phelps just won an unprecedented 8 gold medals in one Olympic games. The LLR is a proud member of Team Phelps and we are having NONE of that.
Oh wait, you just gave birth and you're competing in a mini-triathlon (Malibu is a half-mile ocean swim, an 18-mile bike course, and a 4-mile run. Real triathlons are a 2.4-mile ocean swim, a 112-mile bike ride, and a 26.2-mile run)? Now that you put it that way... I still don't give a fuck. Case in point: our miracle woman, Dara Torres. Dara, pregnant in 2006, continued to train through morning sickness and was back in the pool within weeks of giving birth. At the age of 40, just 15 months after giving birth, she won gold in the 100M freestyle at the US Nationals and followed that up a week later by breaking her own American record in the 50M freestyle. She even talks about how she literally went directly from breast feeding her daughter to the blocks on the OLYMPIC trials and whipped some ass. Yeah, so no sympathy or big congratulatory parade for you, Jennifer. You can suck it.
So, in conclusion, Miss Lopez, here is an abbreviated list of things I care about more than your mini-triathlon:
1) What Michael Phelps had for breakfast
2) The NL East race
3) Whether or not Ryan Gosling is sporting facial hair
4) How I can get more cell phone minutes for a cheaper price
5) How nasty the Fried Chicken Snack on my desk may or may not be
6) The price of bananas in Guam
7) What my cleaning lady had for breakfast
8) ANYTHING MICHAEL PHELPS DOES EVER (including if he decides to star in the tv version of Maid in Manhattan)
Call me crazy, but no one on the planet, Marc Anthony included, gives a flying fuck about your triathlon. 300 years from now, during the goddamn 2309 Olympics, people will STILL be talking about Michael Phelps. Believe me, by then your time as a FlyGirl on In Living Color will be long forgotten.
-stars
Tuesday, August 19
Jennifer Lopez: Does Anyone Still Care?
Monday, August 18
LVP of the Week - Lying on an International Level
It is much to my chagrin that I am forced to award this week's LVP to a bunch of no good bums. And no, Dan Uggla did not three-peat (though he came damn close.) This week, on my radar and just about everyone else's (excepting a certain government faction), is the Chinese women's gymnastics team.
Now in all fairness, I am not entirely sure why the age limit rule exists. If I can smoke your ass at 14, you don't even want a piece of me when I am 18. But according to people who know more about gymnastics than I do (i.e. everyone), the youth hold a certain advantage being of lighter weight generally and less fearful. But whether the rule makes sense or not, it is the damn Olympic rule. And when you're involved in a competition of that kind of international magnitude, do you really think no one is going to check up on your cheating? This isn't like playing Uno with Action when we were kids. He took me at my word. 204 nations compete at the Olympics. Someone is going to figure your lying, cheating ass out.
He Kexin was listed earlier THIS YEAR in Chinese papers as being 14 years of age. But suddenly, the Chinese are producing a passport stating she is 16. Yeah, you know what? Give me 50 dollars and Adobe Photoshop and I can "prove" to you that Robert Redford is 16. Cut that shit out.
Shame on you, ladies.
-stars
Olympic Observations - Sistas are doin' it for themselves!
Ladies, ladies, ladies!!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE KILLIN' IT AT THE OLYMPICS THIS YEAR. I have never been more proud to have breasts than I do right now!
I must give props to all of the female Olympians, American and otherwise. Women were not even allowed to compete in the first modern Olympics. It was the 1900 Games of the II Olympiad in Paris, France where we first competed and won. Charlotte Cooper was the world's first female Olympic champion, winning the gold medal in singles tennis. She has paved the way for all of the female Olympians I remember from my childhood and the ones of today.
Who can forget Amanda Beard and her teddy bear? Mary Lou Retton doing what no American woman had ever done? Dominique Dawes, Shannon Miller and all of the "Magnificent Seven" from the '96 Atlanta Olympics? Romania's Constantina Tomescu-Dita who won this year's Women's marathon at age 38? And my personal favorite, Ms. Dara Grace Torres.
I LOVE THIS WOMAN. She is so friggin' fierce. She means BUSINESS. At 41 years old she is first US swimmer to compete in five Olympics: 1984, 1988, 1992, 2000, and 2008. She won at least one medal in each of those games. This woman has been owning bitches in the pool since before I can even remember!! She has a total of twelve Olympic medals - 4 of each. She is such an inspiration to women and girls alike. She was setting records as a 15-year old and she has never ceased to kick ass. It was such a beautiful sight to watch her step onto the Olympic podium for what will probably be the last time. Since she'll be 45 by the time the 2012 London Olympics come around, but if she does I'll be her #1 supporter!
Dara. Thank you. I <3 U 4 eva & eva.
-boogie
MVP of the week - Was there ever any doubt?
I'll keep this one short and sweet. Ladies and Gentlemen, a man who needs no introduction, the greatest human swimmer this planet has ever seen, Mr. Michael Phelps.
I saw it. You saw it. The entire world saw Phelps catapult himself into Olympic history by winning 8 gold medals in one Olympic outing - more than any other athlete in history.
MORE THAN ANY OTHER ATHLETE IN HISTORY.
It was an amazing moment. I was filled with an enormous amount of pride to see all unfold live before my eyes. Michael Phelps is officially the most famous athlete in the world. I honestly don't have anything else to say about the matter. I mean, seriously...WOW.
- boogie
Friday, August 15
Ladies Locker Room Loves Team USA
So maybe Action is rubbing off on me (and I suppose it's about time as I have known the dude for nearly 26 years and we share DNA), but I can't stop watching the Olympics. I am running on minimal sleep as I sit up up until 4AM every night, eating snacks and come into work wiped out like I just ran the half marathon. But once every 4 years? Count me in.
So last night, the USA gymnasts and I enjoyed some fierce competition, vegetarian buffalo wings, and half a bottle of wine. You can guess who had what. It was such an insane spectacle and we here at LLR have nothing but love for the strong women who bring it, that I wanted to take a moment out to give a little love to these incredible female athletes.
Gymnastics All Around...USA silver and gold. Wow. Maybe this isn't so impressive to someone who follows the sport consistently, but as I generally only see it during Olympic time and super bored Sunday mornings, I am a bit out of the loop. I remember as a kid constantly hearing about Mary Lou Retton and what a big deal it was. And it was a big deal not only because she scored that elusive perfect 10, but because she was the first female outside of Eastern Europe to win the all-around title. Meaning up until 1984, when Women's gymnastics had been an Olympic event for nearly 60 years, the US wasn't regarded at all as a gymnastics powerhouse.
But oh, how the tides have turned. And suddenly we are a force to be reckoned with. In back to back Olympics, the USA ladies have taken home the gold and in back to back Olympics, I have sobbed like a little girl during the medal ceremony.
Nastia Liukin... what a fierce bad ass. She came into the games as an underdog and gave her all, under pressure that few of us will ever even come close to understanding. Just to sit there and watch her close her eyes and focus with the mayhem going on around her was one of the more awe-inspiring things I have seen in a long time.
I mean, here's a girl who has been plagued by injury and has spent the last year in the shadow of American Shawn Johnson, who everyone expected to take home the gold. No one was even looking at Nastia until halfway through the finals, but the girl fought hard. And now she is the best gymnast in the world and only the third American to ever receive such honors. Your country is proud of you, Nastia, and so is the team at LLR.
And not to leave little Shawn Johnson out.. the silver medal is a stunning achievement and the way you held it together at the end shows a grace and class far beyond your years. Shawn was quoted as saying, "A month ago, I would have said I was done. But after being here, I would give anything to feel this way again." We look forward to seeing you with an even brighter medal four years from now, Shawn.
-stars
Thursday, August 14
Olympic Observations: Michael Phelps must be great in the sack.
Michael Phelps is the greatest swimmer this planet has ever seen. He has supreme discipline over every muscle in his body. He has the best stroke in the world.
YOU DO THE MATH...
-boogie
Saturday, August 9
Beijing 2008. The world focuses on Chinese economic supremacy.
It has become official. The Olympic games have begun! And what better way to kick off the games than a breathtaking exhibition of artistic expression by a nation with over 5,000 years of history. Their artistic expression was nothing less than we would expect from a communist world power. If the display of thousands of Chinese people pounding drums with alarming precision was not intimidating enough, the ceremonies were dominated by more explosions than any of the athletes or viewers had ever seen before…including those representing Serbia and Montenegro. As expected, the games began with a ceremony that was much longer than necessary. I must admit that I watched every minute of it…twice.
One of the surprises of the ceremony was that George W. Bush did not do anything stupid enough to switch the focus of the festivities, or initiate a war with someone else. (nothing televised at least) Bush did, however, manage to take the spotlight from the few Iraqi athletes that have overcome such insurmountable adversity. I mean really NBC, here come a few athletes representing a country in sheer turmoil where not a soul is safe to walk down the street without fear of being obliterated by suicide bombers, and you show George Fucking Bush clapping. You have to be shitting me. Make your own opinion about that. I do not have enough room on the internet to elaborate on my feelings about that.
Well George Bush is an asshole, but not even he can ruin such a storied tradition as the Olympic games. One other thing I thought was quite amusing was that dude that was hoisted hundreds of feet into the air and almost plummeted to his death. The amusing part was not the fact that millions almost witnessed an Olympic tragedy on a scale never seen before, but the fact that he was running around the rim of the stadium opening some sort of scroll whose significance eluded me. The guy was like 10 yards ahead of the scroll at one point and then the scroll picked up steam and ended up finishing about 30 seconds before the guy. The Olympics had not even begun and already the Chinese had lost a race.
And so as the games begin (I am watching women's fencing at the moment...fuckin awesome) my focus has shifted. I can not sit here and type with my full attention to this passage. All I have left to say is this, it is only day one. There are many more laughs, tears, and laughing at tears to come. Stay tuned and enjoy the games.
Friday, July 25
Action Says... The Olympics Piss Me Off. Part 1
As promoted, the Olympic Games represent a shimmering beacon of hope for world peace. That is total bull crap. Why are the Olympics so much fun to watch? Why do people obsessively watch NBC for 10 consecutive days, only pausing to sleep? Why do most Americans (including myself) check the medal count every 5 minutes?
I'll tell you why. It is not about how the game is played. It is about the drive for global supremacy. I use the word supremacy over patriotism very deliberately. My country is better than your country because we kicked your ass in the pole vault. Your country sucks ass because our swimmer finished a 10,000 meter race a few seconds faster than yours.
(As a side note, I would like to add that Michael Phelps is a freak of nature and makes a living out of embarassing all the nations of the earth.)
The Olympics give a false hope for international camraderie. Sad but true, people don't get along. Let's all face facts. Americans can't stand the Chinese, French people hate English people, the Germans hate everyone; the list goes on and on. I can honestly say that the summer Olympics are the only time I harbor resentment towards countries I could care less about at any other point in my life. Especially Romania.
I do not believe I am alone. It's summer Olympic time... fuck Romania. Who is our softball team playing? Norway? Fuck Norway! A sprinter from South Africa breaks the Olympic record for the 100 meter dash? I fucking hate South Africa. The games that are intended to promote global harmony make me hate other countries even more.
It would take me a while to find Angola on a map, but I still hate the bastards. Are you shitting me, Angola? Where do you get off playing basketball against Lebron James? Your piece of shit country doesn't even deserve to watch King James on TV. Angola gets no love. Don't even get me started with Russia. Russia is a cool country... until we face them in gymnastics or any other sport, for that matter. When that happens, I want their infrastructure to deteriorate and their economy to collpase. Oh wait, that already happened. I guess I got my wish back in Barcelona '92. The only consolation I get when the Romanians or the Russians beat the USA is that they still have to go back to a shithole for a country. World peace, my ass! Even thinking about the games is making me wonder what random country I will hate next.
I personally can't wait until the opening ceremonies. They suck so bad, but everyone watches them from beginning to end. The whole ceremony is boring and crappy. It's like, "Light the fucking torch already, I want to watch water polo."
One thing I do enjoy about the ceremony is watching countries walk in and making fun of those countries that have like one or two dudes representing their shit. "Here comes the Burkina Faso Olympic team, made up of Tobog Zongo. The only athlete representing Faso and I hear he does a mean cannonball, Bob. Unfortunately no one has ever seen it because there are no TVs in his home village of Wedafukemi. After his one event, he will be taking a single enging pre World War 1 airplane from Beijing back to Ougadougou. Then he will have to take a bicycle back to..." Shut the fuck up and tell me what time he is competing so I can laugh at how badly he gets his ass kicked.
The Olympics piss me off. Sure enough, however, I will be glued to my television the second that stupid torch lights up in Beijing. I'm sure you'll be watching with me. Read More......
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