Friday, July 25

Action Says... The Olympics Piss Me Off. Part 1


As promoted, the Olympic Games represent a shimmering beacon of hope for world peace. That is total bull crap. Why are the Olympics so much fun to watch? Why do people obsessively watch NBC for 10 consecutive days, only pausing to sleep? Why do most Americans (including myself) check the medal count every 5 minutes?

I'll tell you why. It is not about how the game is played. It is about the drive for global supremacy. I use the word supremacy over patriotism very deliberately. My country is better than your country because we kicked your ass in the pole vault. Your country sucks ass because our swimmer finished a 10,000 meter race a few seconds faster than yours.

(As a side note, I would like to add that Michael Phelps is a freak of nature and makes a living out of embarassing all the nations of the earth.)

The Olympics give a false hope for international camraderie. Sad but true, people don't get along. Let's all face facts. Americans can't stand the Chinese, French people hate English people, the Germans hate everyone; the list goes on and on. I can honestly say that the summer Olympics are the only time I harbor resentment towards countries I could care less about at any other point in my life. Especially Romania.

I do not believe I am alone. It's summer Olympic time... fuck Romania. Who is our softball team playing? Norway? Fuck Norway! A sprinter from South Africa breaks the Olympic record for the 100 meter dash? I fucking hate South Africa. The games that are intended to promote global harmony make me hate other countries even more.

It would take me a while to find Angola on a map, but I still hate the bastards. Are you shitting me, Angola? Where do you get off playing basketball against Lebron James? Your piece of shit country doesn't even deserve to watch King James on TV. Angola gets no love. Don't even get me started with Russia. Russia is a cool country... until we face them in gymnastics or any other sport, for that matter. When that happens, I want their infrastructure to deteriorate and their economy to collpase. Oh wait, that already happened. I guess I got my wish back in Barcelona '92. The only consolation I get when the Romanians or the Russians beat the USA is that they still have to go back to a shithole for a country. World peace, my ass! Even thinking about the games is making me wonder what random country I will hate next.

I personally can't wait until the opening ceremonies. They suck so bad, but everyone watches them from beginning to end. The whole ceremony is boring and crappy. It's like, "Light the fucking torch already, I want to watch water polo."

One thing I do enjoy about the ceremony is watching countries walk in and making fun of those countries that have like one or two dudes representing their shit. "Here comes the Burkina Faso Olympic team, made up of Tobog Zongo. The only athlete representing Faso and I hear he does a mean cannonball, Bob. Unfortunately no one has ever seen it because there are no TVs in his home village of Wedafukemi. After his one event, he will be taking a single enging pre World War 1 airplane from Beijing back to Ougadougou. Then he will have to take a bicycle back to..." Shut the fuck up and tell me what time he is competing so I can laugh at how badly he gets his ass kicked.

The Olympics piss me off. Sure enough, however, I will be glued to my television the second that stupid torch lights up in Beijing. I'm sure you'll be watching with me.

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