This discussion led to an even more intense and pressing question. When posed with various matchups, who would really come out kicking ass?
And yes, now that you ask, I did spend two hours working on this post only to lose the entire text, so you are getting the dumbed down version. And the first one to complain will compete against my feisty white ass in a grudge match.
Terry Bradshaw vs. Jimmy Johnson
Terry Bradshaw played with Lawrence Taylor against Married With Children's Al Bundy in the infamous Pink Ladies bowl, where Bradshaw actually fell victim to the football prowess of Bundy. It was perhaps only the second victory in Bundy's sad life. Johnson walks through the world with a crazy glint in his eyes, probably leftover from coaching the evil early '90s Dallas Cowboys dynasty.
Edge: Terry Bradshaw. Despite the psychotic stare of Johnson, Bradshaw actually played professional football. And plus, Bundy was probably due a victory.
Chris Berman vs. Linda Cohn
Yes, we are all about girl power here at the LLR. However, when it comes to grudge matches, the men usually walk away victorious, unless it's a brute of a woman like Roseanne Barr or Kathy Bates.
Edge: Linda Cohn. Unless the Swami can predict what this former college hockey player's next move is gonna be, Linda will take him to the mat.
Mike Tirico vs. Tony Kornheiser
Kornheiser spends every season emotionally beating up on Mike Tirico. So will Tirico unleash the rage of the season on Kornheiser or will the spotlight stealing Tony not allow himself to lose in a public forum?
Edge: Tirico. His rage is too much for any man to handle and plus he outweighs Kornheiser by about 80 pounds. And when was the last time a crotchety old Jew emerged victorious in a grudge match?
Mike Lupica vs. Jim Rome
This is probably an unfair matchup as Mike Lupica is 100% worthless, but I would pay good money to the charity of Jim Rome's choice to watch him kick the tar out of Mike Lupica.
Edge: Jim Rome. Lupica is garbage and Jim Rome is, well, burning. And plus he bears a slight resemblance to Keith Hernandez and any resemblance, no matter how vague, gives one supreme ass kicking powers.
Scott Boras vs. Donald Trump
This is probably an example of two of humankind's worst specimens. In a dream world, they would both go down in this fight, but that ain't likely to happen. In my head the fight goes as such: Boras comes to the ring with A-Rod in his corner. When he starts winning, Trump pulls the "I'm afraid your friend A-Rod is actually my friend A-Rod" line from Casino Royale. A-Rod then gives Boras a stone cold stunner for a Trump victory.
Edge: The Donald. After nearly destroying the careers of Alex Rodriguez and Scott Boras and really wrecking the magic of baseball, Boras doesn't have much of a posse left. And these two men are far to sneaky to fight on their own.
Phillie Phanatic vs. Stanford Tree
The Phillie Phanatic is known for his brawling. He has picked fights with David Wright, random fans and even members of his own team. He never backs down and is always ready to hand someone their ass. The Stanford Tree is a fricking tree... even though Stanford's team is known as the Cardinals.
Edge: Stanford Tree. There is no logical explanation for this other than we don't let the Fightin' Phils win a single match around here.
Syracuse Orangeman vs. Dick Vitale
Dick is the college basketball staple, quite possibly because he has been around since good ole' James Naismith first hooked up that peach basket. He may be 135 years old, but he hasn't lost a single step. Though the Orangeman is a big pile of citrus fruit, and no one likes getting citrus in the eye.
Edge: Dick Vitale. Despite the Orangeman's hulking presence, he is essentially a big inflated balloon. Dickie V's high-pitched screams have taken down much bigger targets.
George Steinbrenner vs. Hank Steinbrenner
Here's another matchup where I would be all too delighted to watch both fighters take a dive. Shifty a-hole vs. shifty a-hole.
Edge: George. Hank is nothing if not a not exactly poor man's George. His dad would his ass and then sell the broadcast rights on pay per view for the low bargain price of $180 million over 8 years.
Barack Obama vs. Coach K.
Coach K's main asset is his vicious temper, but the cool demeanor of Barack is enough to calm just about anyone. Barack has also taken down a POW in Vietnam, so Barack, who is just "a little too awesome", should have no problem with Coach K.
Oklahoma State Cowboy vs. Plaxico Burress
Plaxico Burress is a big, badass football player who is known for crushing anyone in his path. The Oklahoma State Cowboy is most likely some computer science major who is scared of his own shadow.
Edge: Oklahoma State Cowboy. The biggest threat to Plax is Plax himself, so even if he was fighting my grandmother, she would probably emerge victorious. And plus, the OK Cowboy is actually allowed to carry his weapon in public.
Alex Rodriguez vs. Derek Jeter
I feel that this is a matchup that has already occurred, most likely when there was only one tanning bed left at Hollywood Tans. These two gents are essentially the same person to me, except that one has Madonna and her man muscles in his corner and the other has only little Minka Kelly.
Edge: Alex Rodriguez. If my tanning bed theory holds any water, A-Rod is infinitely more orange than Jeter. That says to me he has already won Rounds 1-10.
Alicia Sacramone vs. Chuck Liddell
Little girl gymnast vs. Ultimate Fighting Champion. Sounds simple enough, until you watch this:
Edge: Alicia Sacramone. Despite the obvious difference in experience and size, Chuck has a thing for the ladies and all Alicia really has to do is get one good punch off.