Sunday, July 27

LVP of the Week - Your mothers should be ashamed.

Huge Minor League Brawl - Watch more free videos

I was sitting around with my Ipod on shuffle as I debated who this week's LVP should go to when this song came on. It's a tune by Every Time I Die (who I love for giving me the word shinfo) called "A Gentlemen's Sport". That reminded me of what was truly the most outrageous and disheartening occurence of the week. Therefore, this week's LVP does not go to a single individual, but rather to a collective bunch of fools known as the Peoria Chiefs and the Dayton Dragons.

Now correct me if I am wrong, but isn't baseball supposed to be a gentlemen's sport? I went to to check as I imagined that I clearly must have lost my damn mind based on the events of this past week. And there was listed the 5 reasons why baseball is the ultimate gentleman's sport.

Reason #1 - It is every man for himself. It is never 9 men against 9 men. It is 9 defensive players against one (sometimes more if there are baserunners) man fending for himself.

Reason #2 - It is NOT a contact sport.. at least not in the traditional sense. Sure the men come into contact with each other during tags, but other than that there really shouldn't ever be a reason to touch another player.

Reason #3 - Proper language must be used. Sure you can be like Lou Piniella and throw the vulgarity around all you want. However, as a player or even a fan in the stands, if you let your inner Lou loose, much like Lou in this past weekend's matchup against the Marlins, you will find your ass escorted off the field. (Interesting fact: Lou Piniella has been ejected 61 times in his career; only Joe Torre, Tony LaRussa and Bobby Cox have had to wait outside more times.)

Reason #4 - You have to respect authority. No amount of arguing from any player or coach will reverse an umpire's call. They are the boss and we have to deal with it. (Believe me, this is not written in defense of all the half-blind bastard umps out there. They can suck it.)

Reason #5 - You must learn to make peace. If something doesn't go your way and you don't accept it and continue to argue, you're assed out. You can leave the field. And you damn for sure better shake your teammates' hands at the game's end if you don't want the coach to put a benching on you.

Which brings me to the Chiefs and the Dragons. Bunch of fools. Now from what I can gather, the Cliff's Notes version goes as such. Three different players were hit by a pitch during the course of the series between the two teams. After the 3rd Assmonkey got hit by a pitch, he retaliated with some semblance of an aggressive slide. After this manuever, the next throw by the pitcher was apparently up and in, which caused the managers to go out and argue with the ump. The two managers began to argue and when one shoved the other, the benches cleared for a fullout brawl. This idiocy resulted in 17 players being ejected and after hospitalizing a fan, the Chiefs' pitcher, Julio Castillo, incarcerated for felony assault charges.

Ok. What. The. Hell. Sure, there had been animosity brewing, but essentially this fight broke out over a pitch that was a close call. Please feel free to think of every incredible pitcher you can, from Sandy Koufax to Dwight Gooden to Randy Fucking Johnson, who hasn't occasionally come close with a pitch. If you can think of one, you clearly live in a dream world, cuz that shit ain't a reality in my world.

And the managers, Carmelo Martinez and Donny Scott? I hope their wives make them sleep on the couch for a damn long time. Screw that, I hope they send their asses packing and there was no prenup involved. You guys are what your team looks up to and tries to emulate. No wonder. Just like a bad parent, you guys raised a bunch of morons.

Although, congratulations on making Dan Uggla's LVP trophy look like small peanuts!

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